STEP-PARENTING

Many children today – perhaps a majority -- are being raised in blended families.  Unfortunately, there is very little guidance available for these incredibly complex situations.

Perhaps a few thoughts for the step-parent may help.

It is helpful to me to think of two different areas of interest: (I) A child’s characterological development, and (II),the complexities of people living together,

I.  A child’s characterological development is strictly the concern of the biological parent.! The stepparent may support the biological parent, but needs to refrain from any kind of authoritarian pressure on the kid. Matters like health, drugs, smoking, drinking, performance in school, religion and so forth, are for the biological parent only. The stepparent may certainly express his/her wishes for the child (“I hope you will . . .” or “I hope you won’t . . . I don’t want you to be that kind of person.”)

II. Any time people live together, they all have a responsibility to negotiate the details of their situation. Clutter, noise, language, chores, bedtime, schedule and so forth are certainly legitimate concerns of both parent and stepparent.

Then there is the matter of discipline. It is an interesting word, meaning, “to make a disciple of.” From that perspective, punishment is irrelevant. You make a disciple of someone by loving, leading, setting an example – not by causing pain or humiliation.

You don’t want obedience from your children! You want that from your dog. You want your children to cooperate. So, the question is not, “How can I force their compliance?”, but rather, “How can I enlist their cooperation?” Take their troublesome behavior as a challenge to your ingenuity rather than a challenge to your self-esteem.

It is especially important for the stepparent never, under any circumstances, to say anything negative about the other biological parent. It may be difficult to do that sometimes, especially in the face of abuse. But it can be done. Find ways to support the child without criticizing the other parent.

It is important to build one-on-one ties with your stepchild. Some step-parents have made a kind of regular (monthly?) “date” with the stepchild, like going shopping to get something for him/her or going out for a coke.